Ba bada bam!!!
Well, it had to happen sometime....this blog has officially changed it's format. (Actually, I, Uri Mordecai, changed it.)
I awoke from my January to early March hibernation session, which is quite popular here in Japan, to the growling of an empty stomach. Of course, I had been asleep for 51 days, so I wasn't surprised, but, I got to thinking; what's my favorite thing in the world? Well, food of course! I love food, especially now that I haven't eaten for almost 2 months (or 21 fortnights for those who are playing at home). So I decided, no I DECLARED, that this blog shall from this day forth, be about food. I figure one day it will act as my resume when I apply to Michelin in order to travel all around the world rating expensive and exclusive restaurants, which just so happens to be my dream job.
Now, for all you readers out there that are bummed out about the format change, I sincerely apologize. I remember when my favorite radio station, 104.1 THE HOG (for those playing at home), changed formats and became 104.1 The Point. Literally over night, THE HOG threw in the classic rock towel and became purveyors of crappy right wing radio (which I listen to exclusively). It wasn't the subject matter that irked me, it was the lack of warning. So, once again, I sincerely apologize.
Whilst I was pondering this format change in my post hibernation grogginess, I realized what my second favorite thing is, after food, that is. It is....wait for it....CRITICISM! Yeah, that's right, I love to criticize. Seriously, ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Ask my current girlfriend (but, lo: her answer wouldn't suffice). I am a master of rephrasing “you're doing it wrong”. It is an art that has been steeped in my subconscious ever since I was raised by a friendly pack of engineers and nurses on the deadly steppes of Arizona.
So, in my hibernation induced stupor, I finally realize what my true talents are. Eating and Criticizing. Sometimes, I can even do them simulataneously. “Holy whale burger” I mumbled, “I'm a food critic”
So, my story comes to a close, for this chapter, “Over the Pond”, has reached its conclusion. I am now officially 'over the pond' and things just seem kind of normal now. Not that Japan has suddenly become less zany overnight, but I suddenly have lost the urge to compare it to Arizona. But, I have not lost the urge to write to you, my loyal and palletely challenged friends. At least now, my urges (for those of you playing at home) have been centered around all the awesome food in this country. I wish to share with you the joy of eating in Japan. And don't worry, in due course I will include 'wacky Japan' in every story.
Let the criticizing begin!
We are going to start this food addled (read: fat) adventure off right. Nakau. Thats right, you read it correctly Nakau. Say it with me now: na-ka-oo. By far, I have eaten Nakau more than any other restaurant in Japan. What do they serve, you ask? Well, of course, ricebowls! But this isn't your typical border line racist 'yokahoma rice bowl' garbage we get back in the good ole US, but a fantastic creation known as 'gyu-don'. It basically translates to 'msg flavored beef with mushrooms and onions over rice, in a bowl'. Mmmmm......ajinomoto.......
Anyway, lets get back on track here. The reason I love Nakau is becaue it has facets, and we shall explore them all, because, you know, I love facets!
Nakau is fast food. I like fast food, but this is different than the Jack in the Box/Taco Bell/In-N-Out which I love. This is seriously fast food. When you walk into Nakau, you are of course greeting by a rousing round of welcomes, but also by a machine. This machine says nothing, at first, but once you step into its realm, it will command and embarrass you with the detexterity only a machine can muster. At Nakau, you must placate the machine to get your food, which is actually quite easy once you know how. You put in some money (up to ￥10,000 for those of you playing at home) select 'eat in' or 'take away' (in Japanese!) and then select your food. Easy right? Easy.......
Actually it is easy, after you know how, but the first time you try it, I guarantee you will have your food made to go, and your change will be donated to your local chapter of 'The Proponents of MSG in Babyfood Lobbyist Organization' or the PMSGBLO. Once you learn which button is 'eat in' and which button is 'gimme my ￥9700, or $111, back you bastard machine' you are set! All the other buttons have pictures of the food items on them, which you can select at your leisure. Okay, embarrassing episode #1 is finished, I promise.
Now, onto to #2: One of the reasons Nakau is so fast, is because when you select which item you wish to eat, it directly stimulates, via electrode, the region of the brain associated with the item. There are only two employees at any given time, so they gotta be in the know! But, the embarrassing part is that the computer also announces it to the world, very loudly, over the restaurants loudspeaker system. What's that you say, machine? Fat American ordering the Jumbo size beef bowl, Udon soup, and 10 piece fried chicken? Everyone gets to hear it. Nothing more embarrassing than everyone hearing your order when your are really hungry! Or, have just woken up from hibernation. And of course, in Japanese style, the voice announcing the order is done in a comical, helium-obsessed voice of a Japanese high school student of indeterminable sex.
After you have been defiled by this machine, you take your ticket, your change and sit down. A person will be waiting for you with a cup of tea, hot in winter, cold in summer. Nice. They will take your ticket, tear off a sliver and announce to you and everyone around you what your order is. Again. I usually just bow my head and sob and this point, but before I can even begin to produce a tear, my food is brought out. I kid you not, sometimes within seconds of sitting down. Like under 10 seconds. Its amazing. It makes waiting in line, in a car, for fast food feel like a going to a high school theater production. The speed at which my steaming pile of MSG coated beef and onions and rice is plunked down makes all my sorrow and embarrassment wash away, like a hot bath after a day of teaching English (as you all know, I am a native Dansk speaker).
Nakau's atmosphere is nothing more than stifling at best, but hey, I came here for speedy food, not for entertainment. The first problem is the music. There is the Nakau theme song and two other songs on rotation, at all times. I have memorized the Nakau theme song, I am proud to present it here to you:
Nakau-de
ooh ooh ooh
Nakau-de
ooh ooh ooh
Nakau-de
Gohan o tabeyo
Nakau!
This translates roughly to 'use Nakau, use Nakau, eat Nakau for every meal, Nakau!'
I know the lyrical content is weak, but the beat is damn catchy, not to mention that it is played every minute without compromise. They usually start of playing some J-Pop, akb48, or exile, for example (both are highly recommended by me). But, our lovely idol groups will never reach the end of their songs because at that magic 1 minute mark, the song is stopped and Nakau jingle is played again. And again. It's insane.
The other sounds common to Nakau are the typical salary man or construction working eating food so fast he sounds like he choking. I have seen a man slurp an entire dish of soba noodles in one continuous motion. The only thing faster than the service is the eating. But, Nakau is open 24 hours (yay!) so the real freak show comes out at night. I have never seen drunker people in my life. Its not uncommon to see a man sleeping with his face in his bowl. I tried it one time myself, but I got rice in my beard. So, you can snoring to list of wacky sounds.
How does it taste? Well, its salty, satisfying, and cheap. That's right, it tastes cheap. But sometimes you know, cheap is exactly what I want to taste. Its the same thing with grilled food, such as yakitori: meat, stick, fire, eat. Simple cheap fantastic. I go for a full stomach and some entertainment. I suggest you do the same. http://www.nakau.co.jp/
Pictures coming soon!
