Cant Live With It, Cant Live Without It

Cant live with it, cant live without

(This post, thankfully, doesn’t really require pictures. Instead, please enjoy some random shots of Fukushima)

I’ve been in Japan for almost 6 months. I’m still shocked on a daily basis, no doubt, but recently I’ve been pondering how I would feel if I left. I have no intention of doing so, but I have started comparing my old life with the new and improved (read: new and different). Japan has started to feel normal…things I always imagined as fresh and exciting have started to become mundane and usual.

One thing that I could not live without is the Japanese toilet seat. If you are betting that this item is what spurred me to write this article, then you sir/madam are correct. I cannot live without a Japanese toilet seat. If you have yet to experience this new fangled and delightful contraption, then you are in for a surprise. Some things I like: walk in front of it and the lid lifts up automatically. A heater begins to warm the seat like a toaster coil…now when I sit down I worry about burning my ass instead of freezing it. Bashful when nature calls? No problem. Hit a button or two and you have a loud and obnoxious fake flushing noise. It is clearly a recording, but I’m sure all the other bathroom users would rather hear a recording of water as oppose to curry and beer from the night before leaving your body. Smells bad? No problem. A tiny fan like the one in your computer will carry all your scents away to some nether region of the earth. Toilet paper? That’s for losers. I require 3 different and unique streams of nicely warmed water (with controllable pressure) to clean my soiled parts after I doody. You can even control the direction of the stream (by moving your ass of course). Somehow, the toilet always seems to get the target right on the mark…this makes me think that somewhere in Japan, there is an R&D department working on the next generation of butthole detection technology. We’ll just leave that one be.

There is a problem, though. Somehow my Japanese language primer failed to include a chapter on Japanese toilet kanji (characters). Pushing a button for the first time without knowing what it will do is downright terrifying. Is that the gentle warm mist or the deep colonic? Did I choose the scalding enema or the creepy fake coughing sound? There is only one way to find out…you must be brave young grasshopper! Oh yeah, and be sure you know which button means STOP.

Another aspect of Japanese life that is downright fantastic is the service industry in general. No matter what the venue, the wage, or the occupation, employees will bend over backwards and forwards (bowing?) to help you and see to it that you are satisfied. Every time I go to 7eleven or Sunkus (Japanese name for circle K) I see this philosophy implemented. If there is someone behind me in line and only one cash register open, the employee will scream something and suddenly another employee will come sprinting out of some corner, dropping whatever he or she was doing immediately to help the next customer. I mean full on sprint, linebacker status, from the back of the store to the front just to ring up one customer at 3:30am. With a smile.

This would never happen in America. You are lucky if there is two people working the registers. Forget getting the first guy to call for help. You know he is covering while the other employee does whippits in the back of the store, knowing his time will subtracted later on if he asks for help.

Although I bash the American store clerk (convenience store or otherwise) there is one thing that the Japanese clerks do that drives me crazy. I have no idea why, but when the transaction comes to the point where I am due change and a receipt, the Japanese clerk will bundle the entire stack into a neat little package. Bill’s on bottom, receipt in the middle, and a stack of coins on top. This is placed ever so lightly and precariously in my hand. All the time they saved rushing an employee up to front is done away with when it takes me 3 minutes to sort out my change and documentation. What’s that you say? You bought a 105 yen rice ball with a 5000 yet note? You better be ready to organize as soon as that change comes your way. It’s really hard to explain, but holding my wallet in one hand and trying to separate coins off the top, a receipt into the trash box (next to the register) and bills into the bill fold section of my wallet with my other hand is nearly impossible. IT DRIVES ME INSANE! I don’t want a damn receipt for a donut anyway! You said it best Mr. Hedbird R.I.P.